Is this what it has come to? I fall in then fall out. The last time I let myself go, I fell in love with someone. It didn't really end well. I think I saw Natalie today. I just walked on not caring about her. It doesn't really matter anyway because whatever she thinks, it's probably because I just want to become more than friends with her but whatever, I can't be bothered anymore. If it's so then so be it.

Why is it I can't take another step to advance a relationship, am I more wary what happened the last time? Too scared? I think it's just so tiring to keep falling for people. I'm trying my best not to let myself be too free anymore. I cannot control my emotions that well. It really hurts that I can't show my true self as much as I want to. I wear my heart on my sleeve all the time and every time it just hurts me so.

I know it was coincidental, but that Utada Hikaru song reminded me of my time at Secondary school, how I was so emotional and easily depressed. How I remember my first crush. You never forget your first crush, it was a foolish time. A very foolish confession of mine. I look back at it now and think it's just as well that I just got rejected. Learning to come to terms with loss is much better than getting anything served on a silver platter because you truly understand what it means to gain something through hard effort. I truly believe that if I take my time in finding the one, I will have someone who is perfect for me. I just hope it's soon.

I'm not going to be impatient and keep demanding and pining for that simple hope of love. I've seen what crazed passion and emotion does to relationships. It's cost me my close friend.

I truly regret telling her that I've fallen for her but I cannot deny my feelings for her. It will only cause my pain to just build up and who knows what else might have happened if I did not let it out. I'm just really happy that I only wanted to kiss her. That was all but I really was in a lot of pain at that particular time. That need to restrain myself, to stop myself from crying to just hold her. It was so hard. That was the only person that I've had that urge to love so much. She was in pain and guilt for what she has done but it's only my fault because I've never been exposed to such open displays of affection. I've never been hurt that much before but Natalie rejecting me was probably one of most painful emotions I have experienced. I remember crying that Monday afternoon/evening, the tears flowing as the realisation hitting me that I have fallen for her so hard that I would cry and had to let go of her. I can say I understood what is heartbreak now.

It really is something so utterly painful and tearful. Someone as beautiful,cheerful and teasing should never have been my friend. I never saw the pain coming, I was so immature and so vulnerable to a person's ways. She was just a very open person. Both of us got hurt for our own personalities, one for being so sweet and loving and the other for seeing too much and feeling like they were being led on. I don't think even if we were still friends it would work because of her personality would be destructive to my simple mind.

Thankfully I'm stronger now and hopefully my heart has been locked up. It's so hard to find someone to love when your taste for women and men is not normal. The ones I fall for are different in so many ways. Sometimes the mind wanders though, I remember thinking in my head yesterday. I don't mind this happening that's when I realized uh oh something bad is coming along.

It always starts with thoughts, then the avoidance of eye contact. Stuttering of words, fumbling for sentence structures and fear of being alone with them. The blush. I cannot look at them. It hurts me too much. I guess I'm letting my mind too much. Afterall, the human mind likes to push and take things to as far an extent it can go to. I need to stop thinking like that. He is leaving in less than a week and I think its the constant hanging out together that has gotten to me.

I just need to stop thinking too much, It will go away. :) I'm starting to become so jaded about love. I'm still so young and fresh yet I'm too tired already. I can't find all these stupid emotions inside.

So so so painful. I just wished I didn't always thought everything in that "love" way. I'm so selfish and I've hurt so many people around me. It's so stupid.

I want to be stronger emotionally, that is my objective. Everyone will eventually leave and go away, they can never be at your side forever. This I understand but for that one second, that one moment in time you forget all about that and you just want to enjoy the moment for what it is. I wish that moment will last longer and hope that Goodbye will not cause me to cry and lose myself. I'm too afraid of loosing people around me anymore.

Strong hearts and fun loving habits are the way to go but no falling for people. It's too dangerous. Enough pain already. Seriously.