Dude....

You read too much into my nickname, (=.=).
Your taking this waaay too seriously, I vent because I've got something to get off my chest. I have more than one emotion you know. I mean you got worried too when you tried to contact me when I was MIA-ing, very same reason no? This is the same feeling I have. I was afraid of loosing a friend.

If you keep defending her, there is no point either. I know we are all her friend and thats what friends do but look if she can threaten to throw a shoe at someone when she's drunk who knows what she will do next. She acts so aggressively towards us during this period, what will happen in the next time she gets intoxicated, it can spiral downwards from there. I'm WORRIED for ALL OF US.

You may say then, we'll just keep her away from alcohol from her. But CAN WE? She does this often and who knew she can be such a depressive drunk. I feared she just lost it.She wasn't play fighting with us my friend. She was ready to move.

I'm not angry, I'm worried for her now. Because I can never look at her the same sorry. I'm gonna be more wary of her when she is drunk.

Drunken behaviour can range a whole spectrum, hers just took a turn for the worse.
People say when people are intoxicated, the truth emerges. Secrets are revealed and lies broken. I fear that this might be what she truly feels inside. She bottles all her emotions inside and she bursts.

We've never realised how she has been hurting, It's been a long time since she was with someone so it must have manifested itself this way. It very frustrating when your sexuality doesn't work to your advantage either. We must understand that to her, Love is a vital part of her life. This much I summarised, with the help of another mind.

My dear friend, If your reading this. I care about you too but your behaviour was a very rude awakening. I just cannot fathom what happened the night before. I'm still reeling from the shock, I'm sorry for not knowing how you felt inside. I was listening to everything you were saying but please if you cannot obtain what you want, don't go the easy way and down more alcohol; because you ended up getting sick from the alcohol overload. I was so frightened for you and for everyone. I was questioning myself that If I tried to help you, Your gonna bite the hand that feeds so I refrain from helping you. I was scared shitless when you started to shiver and your eyes got unfocused. I was so worried.

I care for her too, but the way I do it is different from normal people. You have to understand this. I don't think any of you will actually read this so this entry wil just be a summary and a way for me to collect my thoughts and try to get myself to understand the situation better.

What is normal? What is abnormal? Is it what some people always do and don't do? What the mainstream crowd is currently following? What is it like to be normal or to just FIT IN?

If they knew I wasn't the way I am now, would you still be friends with me? The music that you listen to, the clothes that you wear, the topics you talk about, The places you hang around, aren't what everyone else is engaged in? A NORMAL thing to do? To fit in with everyone else? If I do all of what you guys do, will I be normal too?

I watched and learnt in my secondary school days, how i attracted little friends and how my sister garnered so many, she had the personality that "most people liked". I studied this and adopted this to myself. If she with her current personality could gain so many peers, if I were to do so, will it get the same attention with me?

So I set about tweaking my own personality, to fit what everyone liked. To have more friends, to be LIKED, to be INCLUDED. Because my own personality SUCKED. I CHANGED WHAT I AM FOR WHAT SOCIETY WANTS.

I feel like its a crime to do so, to hide behind something that is not me. Of course , you would argue that everyone puts up a front to hide the pain. But what I have done is not only put a FACADE but also putting up a FAKE personality to get what I want. Being manipulative was never in my nature, till I learnt it could get you what you wanted. I felt bad for doing so but I'm still doing it till this day.

I act happy because you guys looked happy when I do so, I try to be funny because I want you guys to notice me. I'm trying all sorts of methods to get your attention even to the point of being physical. I can now speak out my mind because I have opened up but it's full of fake emotions and faces I put up for everyone to see.

I do all my actions with meanings behind them, "There is a reason behind each action". I feel so dirty for doing all these, This fake personality I have that got me what I wanted.

The true me is negative, narcissistic, self-harming, friend-harming, un-sociable, gamer addict, nerd, stupid, naive and a bit of a sex-manic.

I feel so sorry for all those who know me, my actions are so calculative. I don't think I deserve all of you guys. I just wanted to FIT IN.

:(

fuck! Whats WRONG with me?! My heart is beating really fast just because of a building. I imagined seeing him coming out of the building all business like and my breath stopped, my heart skipped a beat and my stomach took a plunge. I couldn't breathe of a second there. Argh! I couldn't concentrate on my driving after that. I had a dream about him too this morning, him and nail polish. Go figure. Crap what is this??

Don't tell me its infatuation cos I HATE IT! I HATE how it makes me feel, I HATE how it makes me weak in the knees and I HATE how I can only think MOSTLY of him.


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!