What is normal? What is abnormal? Is it what some people always do and don't do? What the mainstream crowd is currently following? What is it like to be normal or to just FIT IN?

If they knew I wasn't the way I am now, would you still be friends with me? The music that you listen to, the clothes that you wear, the topics you talk about, The places you hang around, aren't what everyone else is engaged in? A NORMAL thing to do? To fit in with everyone else? If I do all of what you guys do, will I be normal too?

I watched and learnt in my secondary school days, how i attracted little friends and how my sister garnered so many, she had the personality that "most people liked". I studied this and adopted this to myself. If she with her current personality could gain so many peers, if I were to do so, will it get the same attention with me?

So I set about tweaking my own personality, to fit what everyone liked. To have more friends, to be LIKED, to be INCLUDED. Because my own personality SUCKED. I CHANGED WHAT I AM FOR WHAT SOCIETY WANTS.

I feel like its a crime to do so, to hide behind something that is not me. Of course , you would argue that everyone puts up a front to hide the pain. But what I have done is not only put a FACADE but also putting up a FAKE personality to get what I want. Being manipulative was never in my nature, till I learnt it could get you what you wanted. I felt bad for doing so but I'm still doing it till this day.

I act happy because you guys looked happy when I do so, I try to be funny because I want you guys to notice me. I'm trying all sorts of methods to get your attention even to the point of being physical. I can now speak out my mind because I have opened up but it's full of fake emotions and faces I put up for everyone to see.

I do all my actions with meanings behind them, "There is a reason behind each action". I feel so dirty for doing all these, This fake personality I have that got me what I wanted.

The true me is negative, narcissistic, self-harming, friend-harming, un-sociable, gamer addict, nerd, stupid, naive and a bit of a sex-manic.

I feel so sorry for all those who know me, my actions are so calculative. I don't think I deserve all of you guys. I just wanted to FIT IN.

:(