Within this long holiday, a revelation has revealed itself to me.

I no longer yearn for love, for it's attention nor do I yearn for her anymore.

Gone are the calls after dark, the willful questions and chatting with you when you appear.

You are now just a dream I was after.
A fleeting dream bound not to return. I don't think of you anymore.
I acknowledged the fact that I cannot have her and it does not pain me nor cause me discomfort to even think about her. The emotions I felt for her have left, what remains is indifference. It is no more a need to hold and feel you. The butterflies have died, the flower of spring has withered away to make way for new leaves. You will always be my friend. But know this, you were once more than a friend in my heart.


This is the emancipation of Gemmei.

I am at peace with myself, no more random injections and happy smiles. I will not show you the facades I place on myself. I will let everyone see the bare me, the empty, powerless, vulnerable and ugly me. That is the true me. I hide my secrets from everyone because it will hurt. If a new peer asks if I yearn for someone or something I will tell them that I not in love with anyone and I don't feel fit to love anyone. No one will love me nor do I wish to have it. I am a wilful child if is what I am denied that so be it. I will learn to love only like friends and family. The tank for love is empty and broken, holes of heartache have punctured my brain and the lock to my heart have rusted. Should the key be lost at sea and never be found. I will accept that as my fate. I will live out my life as a single individual loving those who had grew up with no love. This children need care and deserve more love than I do and I hope and pray they will find their own true love and forge their own future. To nurture and give the next generation hope. I have resigned my fate.

It is time to grow up, to forget your past and live for the future.

I still feel strangely empty inside.